Affairs coping and healing

 

Pointers for the hurt Partner

 

Here are some pointers which might be beneficial on your road to recovery:

 

Healing may take longer than you imagine possibly from 1 to 2 yrs.

 

Don’t try to side step your feelings. Find a safe way to share them, ideally with your partner so you can work through them. Try to look at your responsibility in the breakdown of the relationship. It’s rare that a relationship breaks down purely due to one partner’s reaction.

 

Try to understand that your partner is in a totally different emotional place to you and that does not mean they are not sorry or that they do not love you.

 

It’s totally normal to have extremes of emotional outbursts, it does not help to just vent these to your partner, doing this just makes it unsafe for them to listen or help you come to terms with what has happened. Instead try to diary some time to talk openly and honestly with them in a constructive not destructive way, Counselling will help enormously with this process.

 

If you feel that you have to vent or dump these feelings then maybe this would be better done in front of the Counsellor so they can control the sessions so your partner can actively listen to them in a safe constructive way.

 

Try not to fill all the time you spend together with venting or dumping your feelings, give some space for the healing process to build the relationship again.

 

It’s critical that you get the answers to your questions from your partner about the affair, this will abate the feelings and emotions easier, even if the same questions are asked time and time again, it’s a process of building the trust again between you both.

 

Ask for clarification and reassurance as to what the affair meant, providing the time as and when you need it, which is safe and not filled with interruptions from others.

 

Try not to use negative communication structures as this will only build the arguments and not generate a useful understanding of the issues around the affair. A negative communication is one which when you talk you can see a pointy finger aiming at the partner, they will only retaliate to secure their position which will not aid your need to understand.

 

Don’t make any hasty decisions about the future; an informed choice is always better than a reactionary one.

 

Take personal responsibility for your own healing, try to understand what you require from your partner and then ask for it in a constructive way.

Receive the information that your partner gives you with understanding it may also be hard for them to verbalise things to you as they will also possibly be confused as to why they did what they did.

Pointers for the unfaithful Partner

 

Here are some pointers that will help both you and your partner’s journey through this situation.

 

You will possibly have had more time to deal with the awareness of your affair. It is therefore imperative that you are absolutely patient with them, especially at the start of this process. The longer that you have deceived the partner the more time it is likely they will need to build the trust again between you. Remember an affair does not have to have had a physical connection; normally it’s the lies and deceit which are the issues.

 

The following aspects usually give the best conditions for building the trust between you again.

a) The sooner you stop all contact with the other party the better.

b) Tell the complete truth even if it hurts them, as being hurt now is better than finding out later, as this will cause even more distrust in the future and just like snakes and ladders you will end up back at the beginning.

c) Tell the complete truth even if previously you have not, you never know what they may know.

d) Realise that your partner is in a much different place to yourself, they will need to ask many questions, maybe the same question time and time again, which to you will be frustrating, but is necessary to enable them to move on.

e) Try to understand why you had the affair as this will help your partner know whether in the future, if similar things happen in the relationship that the relationship is possibly breaking down again. This searching for an answer will also show your partner that you are trying to help both of you through this process.

f) Tell your partner also how you feel and support them in the process of building the trust between you. Never say you will be anything you cannot be, even if you think It’s not what they want to hear, e.g. don’t tell them you can be somewhere at a specific time, or do a specific thing for them, if you know that might not be possible, be honest in all things.

g) Be supportive and say SORRY for what has happened, initially this may not be accepted but still say it, it will eventually get through.

h) Expect emotional outbursts from your partner- they will be devastated and the pendulum will swing erratically from ok to not ok, happy to sad, calm to explosive, sometimes from minute to minute. Be kind, patient, non defensive and above all honest.

It’s normal for you to have as sense of loss around the affair, usually it’s because that person took an interest in you or what you had to say, and it will be hard to talk to your partner at this moment. Don’t expect your partner to listen to this at first, as you were sharing things with a third party that should have been kept within the relationship with you partner. You may feel confused as to your feelings, so it’s good to clarify what they are, with your partner if possible, as this may shed light on why the affair happened.

Praise your partner’s interactions in trying to understand with you what went wrong and why. Support their feelings and validate their courage in going through this process, which is going to be painful and possibly humiliating for them.

 

Pointers to Building the future Relationship

 

Understand and explore the reasons for the affair in a safe and nurturing environment,

Support and validate each others feelings, even though you may not understand them.

Spend some quality time together, without talking about the affair, to build the relationship again together.

Realise that the old relationship is over; if it was ok then you would not be in this position now.

Build a new relationship by identifying each others needs and fulfilling them, give the relationship an MOT test.

Be honest with each other and tell each other how you feel on a regular basis.

Understand that you two are the most important features in the relationship, without you two being ok then the rest falls down.

Re-establish a physical bond, not necessarily sexual, hugs, kisses; etc may be all that is available at this time. 

 

Above all be patient, Rome was not Built in a Day, you are looking to build the relationship stronger and better than it was before - this will take time.

 

This is not an exhaustive list of things which unmake or make a relationship

But a selection of the most common features that happen when trust is an issue within a relationship. You may find more reactions or interactions and as such use it as a possible pointer not a definite direction.

 

(Ian Wallace) MBACP PG Dip